Let’s talk about sex…ual abuse

Over 5 years ago, a group of women introduced me to the #redmylips campaign, an annual and global awareness campaign, that allows fierce survivors and fearless supporters to rock red lipstick during the month and demonstrate solidarity to all survivors of sexual violence, while starting conversations about the topic. Since then, every year, I committed myself, from different locations, perspectives, and phases of my life to one very small thing: Talk about sexual violence and abuse.

The reality is that almost 1 in 4 adolescent girls (15- 19) have experienced physical and/or sexual violence from an intimate partner or husband. In 2018, an estimated 1 in 7 women had experienced physical and/or sexual violence in the past 12 months. These numbers do not reflect the impact of the COVID-19 Pandemic which has increased risk factors for violence against women (UN Women, 2021) Additionally, the situation of men and boys that experience sexual violence is under-documented as these cases are less likely to be reported due to the enormous amount of shame that is produced throughout the multiple systems of oppression (patriarchy, classism, racism, sexism, and heteronormativity). The situation is particularly alarming for our friends that are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) and other non-binary people that are continuously exposed to sexual violence and as the cases continue to arise and they continue to be insufficiently addressed by research institutions. 44% of lesbian women, 26% of gay men, 61% of Bisexual women and 37% Bisexual Men, experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime (RAINN, 2021).

Yet alarmingly common, the conversations about the subject are not. In a meeting (virtual, work or family) with more than 8 people there is likely to be a survivor of sexual violence in the room, however, it is very unlikely that we have talked about it with those 8 people, or at least with one person that really needs it. We are continuously exposed to sexual violence, yet ashamed, not interested or not taking the time to address it.

I, like many others, grew up under sexist social and cultural precepts, constantly consuming messages from teachers, peers, religious scriptures, media, telenovelas, books, and even the aunt's advice that constantly blamed the victims. I often heard "her dress was too short", "her makeup was provocative", "it was too late", "she was asking for it". Moreover, I am sure that in my life, I have heard more narratives blaming the victims than the perpetrators and the only truth is that there is no time, location or attire that justifies sexual violence.

We have explored different ways to bring up this important topic, from personal conversations to talking to strangers in the streets. In the last years, I have continuously asked people to send me their photos and messages, becoming an important way to connect through a distance. Throughout the years, this small initiative has helped me connect with a variety of souls who along with their powerful messages and narratives, provide me with hope. This year, my sisters from the feminist organization Movement of Women for peace "Visitación Padilla”, sent us photographs and a message that prevails during the COVID-19 Pandemic "Fed up with confinement and sexual abuse", referring to the need to put an end to the rise of gender-based violence and sexual abuse that has been exacerbated due to the measures related to mobility restrictions and social distancing. Additionally, through the words of Saadi Shirazi, another message, sent by a dear friend, stands out "Human beings are members of a whole, in the creation of one essence and soul. If fate brings suffering to one member, the others cannot remain at rest", resonating deeply with me and stimulating the importance of our personal role in creating a conscious collectivity that we can begin to foster through a simple conversation. Finally, to quote another good friend, remember "speaking out unburdens yourself and lays the responsibility the only place it belongs - the abuser.

With many positive comments, I’ve also endured some backlash mostly in the form of un-interest but also in many questionings regarding the point of the campaign. Recently, someone wrote to me, very upset, asking me how a photo and a message could help anything, then shared how ridiculous he found the idea, and there I felt, maybe, just maybe “this is working”. Changing the structural conditions that seem familiar to us, which include sweeping everything under the rug, will make a lot of people uncomfortable, and that is ok. Personally, I am thrilled to make it very uncomfortable for the current attitudes, behaviors and institutions that continue to perpetuate sexual violence. I begin with a message, a conversation, a photo shared or anything, as small as it seems. I truly believe we have the power to change the narrative, putting an end to victim blaming and starting an empathetic exercise that allows us to respond with “I believe you” and “it is not your fault”. Statistically, this is no longer an individual or coincidental event, these are structural conditions that are fostered by individuals like us, that can decide, or not, to change.

Take the time today, talk to a friend. Let’s break some cycles.